I officially had my first wedding melt-down. January 19th was our four month mark. I had spent the entire week in Illinois for a training course (the longest I have been away from Keith since our engagement). I arrived back at Newark airport in the evening where the car service picked me up. The weather was terribly dreary. I called Keith from the car and he was still at work. The panic began. While I was away, I had time to think about all of the things on my wedding checklist that I had been neglecting. I suddenly looked around and felt like there was no way I could get it all done by May single-handedly. I felt like Keith was too busy to help me, my parents were too busy to help me, and Keith's parents were too busy to help me. Everyone was too busy to help me and I didn't have the heart to really ask. I instantly felt scared and alone. I know it sounds melodramatic, but that is exactly how I felt.

   I spent most of that busy weekend (busy socially, I am a glutton for punishment and over-committed myself with social engagements) venting to all of my friends and my entire family about how I had so much to do and so little time to do it. I realized that the only option was delegation. Trying to keep our guiding principle in mind (HAVE FUN PLANNING!) I had hoped to be able to delegate AND do everything with everyone. I quickly realized that to successfully delegate I had to communicate my opinions well, have faith that they translated correctly, and remove my emotional commitment to those tasks. It is very hard to do.

   I gave flowers and alcohol to my mom. We have now had numerous conversations about the "mood" that I would like reflected in the decorations at the wedding. We have discovered new descriptive adjectives like "mushy", "flowy", "luscious" and so on to describe flowers. We had a very frustrating conversation about the necessity of providing cordials at the wedding and if people would know the difference between Bailey's Irish Crème and its generic counterpart. The good news is we had a WONDERFUL afternoon shopping for her official Mother of the Bride dress and had incredible success. We laughed so hard with some of the getups they have displayed for MOBs. They either portray them as frumpy or vampish. It was hard to find a happy medium. And it was so fun to have the shoe on the other foot with Mom standing there in her undies while I got to dress and undress her. REVENGE!

   My sister, the MOH, has been busying herself with shower preparations (and listening to my psychotic episodes while being incredibly supportive!). I don't know any details about the shower plans but I think she is having a lot of fun with it. I don't envy her trying to organize the schedules of eight girls all over the east coast AND dealing with the challenge of trying to surprise me. I also delegated her the task of "decorating" the dressing room at the winery. The second floor of the winery is the only place spacious enough for all nine of us to get ready for this wedding. However, the stress of trying to coordinate how everyone is going to get there and how many hairdressers and make-up artists we need for that many women still falls on me. YIKES!

   Mom T. took on the task of finding a place to hold the rehearsal dinner. Originally we had hoped that this would be something we could do together, but after my meltdown we decided to set her free. She and Papa T. did it all in one Sunday. They found a wonderful restaurant right near the hotel where everyone will be staying. It is all coming together swimmingly!

   Once Keith frees up a little bit at work, I am hoping that he will take the reigns. He has been so busy lately, that we barely get to see each other - never mind wedding planning. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and he is going to take the task of finding us an apartment... yes we still need to find a place to live. While living with his parents has been a wonderful experience for me, I am desperately looking forward to being married and living with my husband. I think that is the thing that we are most excited about and have been most excited about the whole time. It is so easy to just see the BIG DAY ahead of us and feel the stress of that. But as soon as we look past May 19th all I can see is green pastures - a beautiful 2 week honeymoon in the Tahitian islands, a new apartment full of new things, perhaps a new puppy (PLEASE!!!!!), and a new husband to share it all with.

   So, I guess that puts it all in perspective for me. Planning the BIG DAY is only as stressful as we allow it to be. As soon as I take the time to remember that the true significance of this time in our lives lies after the wedding my heart stops racing and I experience an overwhelming sense of peace. In the end it won't matter what color the flowers are, or if my great aunt is upset because we aren't providing Kahlua for her Black Russians. In the end it will be the launch of my new life with Keith, surrounded by all of our family and friends - and everyone will feel like they had a small part in making that day happen. That's really all I can wish for.

   I think I will steal Keith away for a weekend so that we can just focus on US. February 7th is our "100 Days" celebration and the weekend of February 16th we will celebrate Valentine's Day. Hopefully, we will take the romantic opportunity to write our vows and re-dedicate ourselves to making this the happiest AND most fun time of our lives.